Thursday, August 27, 2009

Religious Education

Happily, I wasn’t forced to attend this in primary school. Thank you, Atheist Parents! However, this post is not about learning about Jesus Christ and his awesome magic skillz. It’s about….


Okay, so hands up who knows what it is? A Church (It is called the CHURCH of Scientology, after all…)? No. Wrong.
A Cult? Maybe. The best business idea ever? Fucking spot on.

I could not have less of a belief system if I tried. As Carrie says in SATC, I was raised in the Church of being nice people, etc. Only I got kicked out of that as well, but never matter.
However, I don’t begrudge others of theirs. Until it effects me. And then I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers! (Ezekial 25:17).
Sure, that passage is from Pulp Fiction and doesn’t exist in the actual Bible (Yes, I checked), but you’re picking up what I’m putting down, oui?

ANYHOO, Scientologists. Do you want to know what they believe? It’s so hilarious I don’t even know where to begin.
Basically, it goes a little something like this:

1) Galactic Overlord named Xenu
2) Decided his planet was overpopulated. Shipped people in pods to earth and put them in volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs.
3) Had a net over the earth, caught the souls of these people.
4) Those souls now infect us, basically causing all the bad things in our life. They are called ‘Thetans’. But never matter, with an official Scientology Audit you can rid yourself of your thetans. TREMENDOUS. Sign me up (to any Scientologists reading, please note the sarcasm).

BUT here’s the funny bit. You don’t learn all that until you’re up to the highest levels of Scientology. At which point you’ll have parted with many hundreds of thousands of dollars and many hours of your time. So I totally understand why people get stuck in Scientology. Because how embarrassing to get to that stage and go “Oh…that's what I'm meant to believe? And I’ve paid you how much? Ahhhhh....shit.” Some of the original Scientology papers state that if you learn this before you reach these higher levels, you WILL DIE. Sorry guys, looks like I’ve just cursed you all to an early death. I should have put a spoiler alert.

But look, now that you know that, also know this: Scientology was founded by a CRAZY chap called L.Ron Hubbard.

Just look at him! If he's not the definition of creepy, I don't know what is! Who would follow a religion started by this man?! He's wearing a cravat, for God's sake! A CRAVAT. For a man who's a bit loose in the jowl-region, he should consider some other form of neck-wear. That goes for you too, Matt Preston. I know you're reading this. You can thank me later.

Mr Hubbard was a sci-fi writer (wow, the story about a Galactic Overlord called Xenu must have been a bit of a stretch for you to develop!).
He also once said this
“The only way to get rich in this world is to start a religion.”
Wh…ho….I don’t….understand…..?
After knowing this, how can anyone POSSIBLY even consider Scientology as anything but an awesome plan to prey on the weak minded?!
I’m not-so-secretly pissed off I didn’t think of it first.

So next time someone on the street asks you whether you’d like to participate in a free personality quiz, tell ‘em Xenu sent you!
And the stupid and weak-minded amongst us, part with your hard earned cash and enjoy your air diet. That’s what I call natural selection.
(For those of you wanting to learn more about the hilarity of Scientology, I suggest this site:

Natural Selection: AWESOME
Scientology: FLAWSOME
Our new religion called KateAlliology, now recruiting, $10,000 entry fee only!: TOTALLY AWESOME

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